Anything you say can and will be used in the name of the Lord.
Senior Andrew Shumate was found tied up in the back of Sauro’s truck. Monty untied him and brought in Sauro for questioning. “I had to do it,” said Sauro. “He wouldn’t play baseball. Tennis is a great sport, a sport you can play your whole life. You only get one chance to play for Coach Sauro.”
Junior Michael Matthews was arrested early Friday morning for his comment on the Boston University field trip. “In gym class I just can’t help thinking that Kari Silva looks like Natalie Portman from Star Wars,” said the SKHS junior. “On another note, Phil Matteson looks like Shia LaBeouf from Even Stevens.”
Monty arrested senior Andrew Hedglen for stalking NBA phenom Brandon Jennings. “He’s almost God,” said Hedglen. Monty also interviewed Mr. Blessing on the topic. “One day I came into class and there was Hedge with no shirt on,” said Blessing. “I couldn’t tell if he was trying to video chat with Jennings or not, so I kicked him out of class.”
Senior Matt Enright was apprehended late Thursday night. “I brought him in for obstruction of justice,” said Monty. “He was verbally abusing Shumate for getting into Brown.” “How did HE get into Brown,” roared Uncle Enright.
Monty recently brought in senior Nate Winkler two months after the alcohol policy was put into place. Winkler was caught falsely snitching on half the athletes in the school. “I just wanted to be SK’s best athlete,” said Winkler.
Officer Monty brought senior Phil Campo into his office after losing the Baseball Lit. debate for his team. “The debate was wrapped up until Campo got on the stand,” said fellow class mate Sam Johnson. “It almost seemed rigged.”
Monty also arrested Taylor Readyhough and Jeff Eagan after a sword fight in the parking lot before school. “Well, once me and Jeegan received our swords on senior night I figured I had to show my superiority before the whole school,” said Readyhough. “Plus I had to make up for losing to him in the 100 meter race.”
Bridget Chappell was scheduled to meet with Monty for her excessive absences. Chappell never showed up, but she did leave Monty a voice mail. “I’m already into college. High school is just a waste of my time now,” said Chappell. “I’ve got better things to do.”